So Christmas has come and gone, and I have slowed down enough to think about how I've felt through the past few weeks and will try to make some sense out of it! :)
For the past holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, I worked myself up over how they were coming up, and what I'd do when the day came. For Christmas I tried really hard not to do that. At first I thought I wouldn't want anything to do with Christmas, no tree, no presents, but decided that wasn't the way to go. I thought about going away and being somewhere different and quiet, but that never came about either. The weeks prior to Christmas were really good. Jason and I spent quality time with friends and each other- we did host a lot for football games and movie nights. I was feeling really good.
Christmas day came, and it was awful! I mean, it was really hard. (But I'm glad I didn't spend weeks worrying about it first!). Just remembering the year before, not having any idea how traumatic the day would become- I spent a lot of the day in bed. Jason went to hang out with his brothers and his dad in the morning while I slept. Early afternoon his mother, grandmother and brothers came back to our home to open presents. I felt so lonely and sad the whole day. Jason's family is wonderful and they were being very nice and didn't want to bring up anything that would upset me. But the fact that no one asked me how I was feeling or pointing out why they day was so hard made it even harder. I guess I should have brought it up and said that I would have really liked to talk about my family. But I didn't. At 12:30, the time around which the accident happened, I was alone in bed- praying that some of the sting be taken away. I kept thinking, if my family were here, it would be different. We'd be able to feel and know each others pain and get through it together. Everyone left and Jason and I had more time together. I know how hard it must be for him- I don't know what I want, good for him for trying to figure it out! Later that night he went to another relatives house- one that I just can't go to, because that is where I got the phone call from the hospital, saying come now. I watch a movie (a bad one....) and talked to a few people on the phone.
I didn't know it would be so difficult that one day, especially since I had so many good days leading up to it.
Wednesday my sister and her family got to town, and Thursday my brother and his wife came. It was really good to see them and spend time- but the void that I felt Christmas day was not filled by them, as I had hoped it would be. We didn't spend a lot of time sharing memories- well, we did in a way, but not like I thought we would. It was hard to make sure everyone was happy and entertained and by this time I was so tired! We got lost in the ghetto of DC with an empty tank of gas, after walking in the cold around the monuments for 3 hours..... my best friend was also in town staying with us, and her roomate was highly allergic to cats and could only sit at the kitchen table.......
I'll stop complaining, because it was a very good weekend- just really hard.
I'm coming into this new year sad- everyday the reality of the accident becomes more real- and it is very hard.